In a surprise turnaround from dire reunification ballads about the Sovietization of the Linoleum factories, Latvia have sprung an honest to goodness, none more better, slab of EUROVISION madness upon us.

In the finest tradition of METAL madmen the world over (well, Germany) they’ve gone and plumped for Pirates Of The Sea singing, um, “Wolves Of The Sea”. Except, this lot of pirates seem specially designed to make Euro losers Scooch seem like right hard bastards. And as others have so rightly said, when was the last time you met a pirate who wasn’t “of the sea”. A bit like a “Bus Driver Of The Road”. The song itself could rank as one of the worst disco-lite EUROVISION ditties ever, challenging our very own Gemini!

However, their recent past was well to the fore, as the EUROVISION selection contest involved 20 songs being selected by Latvian TV, out of the 88 songs submitted. Their were then two semi-finals featuring ten songs, with five songs from each semi-final being selected by televote and a cabbage hurling contest, then the final consisted of two stages with the first stage eliminating seven songs by televote, followed by the remaining three songs competing in a Super Final. The last three were Aisha, Pirates Of The Sea and Andris Erglis who had to sing their songs, drink a bottle of vodka, and then weep about how their lives are ruined by the lack of Linoleum.

Now, Aisha may well have been the hot one;

But it was the nutters who got the nod -

A thousand years of rapists and pillagers are rising from their watery graves to hunt them down.