Kerrazy Hoarses

Back in the days of mystery, there was only one musical lifeforce on the plane of existence we know as our own. Music was in the hands of the Lords of the Hawk, and their word was the word of the law. And it was good. But forces of evil were abroad, who wanted the music for their own nefarious ends. The sorcerer warlords of Lemuria and Pan Tang were eternal enemies, but they combined their forces to strike at the heart of the Lords of the Hawk.

But the Hawklords were strong and battled hard. After each side was spent, no-one noticed the small wart like object left behind on the battlefield. But the Lords of Chaos saw, and imbued the object with mystical powers, giving it the shape of man. But, as Lords of Chaos, they could not fully simulate mankind, instead an amalgam of man and Chaos stalked the Earth. And his name was Lemmy.

With his small band of warriors, the Motorhead, Lemmy stalked the world, an unassailable rock and roll warrior. And again, the sorcerer warlords of Lemuria and Pan Tang gre jealous and tried to steal his power. The Lemurians stole his seed and recreated life forms in their laboratories of terror. But they had unwittingly arrived too early, and his seed was not pure. And they begat Girlschool, 90% female. So it was left to the sorcerer warlords of Pan Tang to clone the Motorhead in male form. And they begat TANK.

It wasn’t a perfect clone. The Lemster was 50% rock, 40% rock and roll, 10% punk. Their version, Algy, had too much punk in his blood. They also mixed up the test tubes containing Philthy Animal and Fast Eddie, resulting in the twin combination of the Brabb Brothers. Still, the sorcerer warlords let them loose upon the world, capturing the real Fast Eddie after a heated battle, forcing him to toil on their ‘Filth Hounds Of Hades’ release. And, lo, it was good, though tragically out of print. Steal “He Fell In Love With A Stormtrooper” here.

But the world did not fall at their feet. So, in a moment of genius, the sorcerer warlords fused the TANK with the OSMONDS to give the world “Crazy Horses”. Or “Kerrazy Hoarses”, as Algy would have it. You can steal it here. The world teetered on the edge of oblivion, as it seemed the world would become the plaything of the sorcerer warlords. But the Lords of Chaos and Order rallied together, to put down the upstarts, sending Algy to metal mundanity, one half of the Brabbs to oblivion, and the other Brabb to Dumpys Rusty Nuts.

But today, in darkened rooms, with curtains drawn, their scattered followers still gather to recall the days of the TANK. And dance to the “Filth Bitch Boogie“.

The only Tank album in print is Live And Rare*, so you can get that here. Otherwise, off to Ebay wih you. Buy “Liva And Rare from Amazon

The 1983 version of Tank on Children’s TV show ‘Jangles’

*comprising nine tracks from the band’s 1981 tour supporting MOTÖRHEAD, four 1981 studio demos, two songs from TANK’s 1984 tour with METALLICA and two live tracks recorded in 1999 in Japan.