The NWILBEHEIM – The Ones That Got Away

Let’s talk New Wave of British Heavy Metal, baby.

For every Iron Maiden who got lucky, there were a thousand other bands who never got beyond the back room of the Leg & Ferret in Stoneybridge. And there was usually a very good reason for this. Namely, shiteness.

Let us begin with a biggie – DIAMOND HEAD. Deaf Barton could be heard ejaculating 400 miles away whenever he wrote about Stourbridges finest, back in the day. Oh, how we oohed and aahed over the ever elusive white album, only available by mail order, marvelling at its majesty, without ever having heard it. And then they got signed to a major label. And released an album we could actually hear. And toured. And were shite.

I saw them at the Caley Palais, after refusing to believe that the godawful racket I’d heard on the steam powered turntable could be the same band so beloved of Barton. It was. They sucked. I never trusted a music journalist ever again. A preening front man, fondling himself whilst an overrated guitarist made amateur widdling noises in the background? I already hated Led Zep, thanks.

Because of Lars Ulrich, there is still a ‘Diamond Head‘ playing support slots to much better bands at Academy level gigs. Listen to ‘Call Me‘. And they thought it good enough to release as a single! Cheesus.

Further down the list were the likes of the fantabulous TYGERS OF PAN TANG! Great name, love them to bits, but I won’t claim for a nanosecond that they were any good. There is a small lesion on my brain that still gets me playing their debut, “Wild Cat”. God knows why, as Jess Cox tells us “Euthanasia all the way, OK”. Listen. He lasted one album, was actually allowed to release a solo album, and ended up owning Neat Records before selling it for megabucks (well £3.20) many years later. Even with a half decent singer and John Sykes on guitar, they were mince, but that doesn’t stop me playing their bid for American glory (hah!), “The Cage” to death. ‘Rendez-rendezvous’, anyone? It’s the lesion. Listen 2.

We’d already had GIRLSCHOOL, who managed a couple of half way good albums, so what the world needed was another one, preferably with a couple of sisters, one of whom had to be yer actual jailbait. Enter ROCK GODDESS.

Neither of this words is strictly accurate, as they really were pants. They lumbered on for ages, before the non-sister did the sensible thing and joined the real GIRSLCHOOL. Despite a Gary Glitter cover, ROCK GODDESS never cracked it and the Turner sister later became lecturers in post-seventies feminism at the East London Polytechnic and Bicycle Co-Op. “Hell Hath No Fury” and all that. Listen to ‘Hold Me Down‘. Fnarr, fnarr.

All of these bands were signed to major labels, and somehow, so were AIIZ, despite being the actual arse end of the NWOBHM. Their debut album, “The Witch Of Berkely”, was probably the worst live album ever, but for some reason Polymer Records handed out some big bucks for a Russ Ballard song. God knows why, as their astonishing lack of talent made ‘I’m The One Who Loves You“, a low point in rawk. If that isn’t evidence enough, have a listen to the B-side, and you’ll realise why Russ got a call. Amazingly, out of all the musicians in this post, the drummer from AIIZ became the only famous one. He ended up playing with AC/DC, Dio and UFO. Who’d have thought.

Watch Rock Goddess in action below, with Kelly Johnson from Girlschool guesting on bass!