The Best Of British Part 2

We’re back, thanks to the complete lack of public acclaim, with the much derided Best Of British Part 2. Mebbe this isn’t the best time to be plugging something with that title, but if it makes Nick Griffin a better man, then it’s time well spent.

With that in mind I’m already regretting the first track from Warfare – “Burn The King’s Road”. Now I’ve been down the king’s Road, and it seemed comparatively pleasant compared to other streets in London. Me, I’d be burning Streatham, but perhaps Warfare knew something I don’t.

Originally the B-side to their Neat Records debut 7″ “This Machine Kills”, Warfare plugged away gamely for most of the eighties, sticking with Neat, long after Neat meant anything to anyone. Naturally, the hailed from Newcastle, and if I tell you that they were formed by Evo, ex drummer with the Angelic Upstarts, then I think you will know exactly how good they were. They also featured the legend that is Wurzel, in his pre-Motorhead days as well as Mantas (the Venom fella). At different times obviously.

MP3 one – Warfare – Burn The Kings Road

Next up is Jaguar. Now I liked Jaguar, especially their “Axe Crazy” single, which came out on Neat in 1982.

Sadly by the time their “Power Games” LP came out, it was 1983 and the horse had long since bolted. I remember seeing them opening the show for Girlschool in 1984(?), and they were still pretty impressive. They packed it in a year or so later, but got back together about ten years ago, continuing in one for or another right up till today. This track doesn’t seem to appear on any other release.

MP3 two – Jaguar – (Nights Of) Long Shadow

This installment comes to an end with Emerson. One of the single worst bands I ever saw play live. It was at the Hard Rock Cafe (pre franchise), which used to be upstairs in the Edinburgh Playhouse, and is now a swanky restaurant. I saw some great gigs there – Twisted Sister and Raven spring to mind, as well as the legendary Spider. But, oh dear. Emerson were absolutely awful. I suppose their brand of wannabee US AOR was not what beered up Scotch teenage metal fans wanted to hear, but even now, this is pretty dire.

I seem to recall the band was led by the Emerson brothers, and that they released on solitary 7″. This track wasn’t good enough to get on the B-side.

Fact fiends may be interested to know that Stu (the guitarist) ended up performing on albums by Meat Loaf and Bonnie Tyler! And by glancing over my right shoulder, I can see a poster for a Tyketto gig at the Newcastle Mayfair in 1994, when they were supported by Mrs Loud aka Lorraine Crosby, the partner of Stu who sang lead on “I’d Do Anything for Love (But I Won’t Do That)”. You never thought I was going there, did you.

Now, I know you’re pretty blown away right now. But wait, there’s more. The singer in Emerson was a guy called Sam Blewitt. Not a great name. So he changed it to Sam Blue. He went on to sing with (deep breath) Axis, L. A. Secrets, Paul Samson’s Empire, Ya Ya, Ultravox, GTS, and Burns Blue. But, and prepare to gasp, he is most famous for being the vocalist on The Streets’ chart-topping single “Dry Your Eyes”! It’s true! Although for me, his two Song For Europe entries are what mark him out (in 1996 as part of the duo Esseness with the song “I Never Knew” and 1997 as a solo artist with the song “For The Life You Don’t Yet Know”). He didn’t win.

I’ve dropped enough big names for now;
MP3 three – Emerson – Maybe Someday

But here’s a pic of Mrs Loud in her Meat Loaf days.

Dirty BOLSHEVIK bastards

Well, the dirty BOLSHEVIK bastards went and done for me. Gits. It’s not enough that they have all the oil, gas, diamonds and cabbages in the world. Now they want the music as well. Well, no, dammit! You may have stolen EUROVISION, but enuff z’nuff.

They may be good at many things – sending unarmed soldiers off to fight the Dastardly Huns, genocide, getting drunk, human trafficking, mail order brides – but they have one addiction they need us to sate. The METAL!

Oh, yes. Don’t forget, this is a country where Uriah Heep and the Scorpions are still megastars. And we invented the METAL. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before the fetid Pa Broon and his Nu-Labour bodysnatchers try and sell it off to the highest bidder, but for now, the METAL is still ours! Take that Uncle Joe!

So, just to prove that we remain so much better than the Dirty BOLSHEVIK bastards, here’s Part 2 of the Niwobilheim Revisisted. Yes, more New Wave Of British Heavy METAL. Note, BRITISH Heavy METAL.

Swoon and stream, Diamond Head!, Savage! and the late, unlamented Blitzkrieg! Yes, Blitzkrieg. It may be a Dastardly Hun word, but when it comes to the METAL, Britain remains GREAT.

You can also steal the Blitzkrieg track here. Then go buy some Diamond Head, Savage and Blitzkrieg. Make some old, poor METALheads thruppence happier.

And for your viewing pleasure, an ancient and creaky promo video for the Greatest NWOBHM riff of them all, “Am I Evil”!

EUROFRENZYVISION sees bookies panic

1-0! Kristi Yamahottie wins DANCING WITH THE STARS

Mr Ladbroke “accidentally” checks the new balance in the online account of one Mr H, of this parish.

2-0! Dave Enchillida, the spawn of Gollum gets trounced,  TROUNCED I say,  by Dave Rockbloke, the emo fringed caterwauler in the final of SMERICAN IDOL.  Mr Ladbroke “bumps into” Mr Coral And Mr Hill in the Dubai Marriott to discuss “mutual areas of offshore balance transfer activity”, as Mr H prepares to punt his combined winnings EUROVISIONwards.

But who will it be?  Only Mr H knows, and that could all change post the second EUROFRENZYVISIONBOWL second semi-final this evening.  He’s already hinted at Bulgar type action, but perhaps the Ukranian HOT CHICK,  Ani Lorak, might sway him, should she qualify. Look out for For Sales signs appearing outside bookies the country over, should I come up TRUMPS and TROUNCE them on Saturday standing, a s I do,  to win literally,  POUNDS!

Ms Lorak is pictured below

And just to keep the second rate METAL fans happy (see wot I did there), here’s the latest Finnish METAL hordes to be send to the EUROFRENZYVISIONBOWL, Teräsbetoni performing “Missä Miehet Ratsastaa”, which has just got be the most made up language EVER.

JUSTICE! JUSTICE! Irish barstards dumped!

Yes! It’s the most important week of the year as the glory that is EUROVISION arrives, this year co-inciding with the finals of DANCING WITH THE STARS and SMERICAN IDOL. What a week! There will be no sleep for me. Let’s deal with EUROVISION first.

The first semi final is over and those dirty Irish barstards were dumped at the first hurdle with their foul poultrified effort.  Justice! That’ll teach them for not selecting OFFICIAL Hot Chick Leona Daly.  Vengeance is mine, saeth the Lord, lisp intact.

Which meant a whole load of made up countries got through to the EUROVISION final on Saturday, so look out for entries from Ruritania and Azerbaijan amongst others. I’ve got a wee sneaky feeling about the Bulgars this year, mainly because of the OFFICIAL Hot Chick.  Video somewhere below.

Over in SMERICAN IDOL land, it’s been a godawful year, and the final is between the two Daves. Dave Enchillida, the spawn of Gollum and Dave Rockbloke, the emo fringed caterwauler. I so don’t care after they turfed out the divine OFFICIAL Hot Chick Brooke White, who should have won by a country mile. But, balancing the evil emo against the evil Clay Aiken, I suppose it has to be the evil emo. [shrugs]. However, as it is the final, Brooke will be back!

Over at DANCING WITH THE STARS , the Smerican public finally voted off the fat lass last week in the semi final. There must have been a 4 for 1 offer on at McDonalds to keep the lard asses away from their phones, as she was a useless wobbling screamfest from day one. So we’re left with black bloke, Hispanic bloke and Japanese lass. Yay for diversity! With the ethnic votes all tied up, it’s going to be down to the white folks of Diddlysquat, Arkansas to decide who wins.

Now they won’t go black, not with his freakish long arms, the Hispanics do a good job working in the fields, but they won’t want them getting uppity and demanding wages, as well as a handful of beans and a cow shed to sleep in. Which leaves Japanese lass. I’m pretty sure that most Smericans don’t remember World War II as being real (it was a Spielberg movie), so if they’ve blanked Pearl Harbour (it has a u dammit), then Kristi Yamaguchi should win. And she’s the best dancer. And she’s an OFFICIAL hot chick.

Right, I’m away for a lie down before EUROVISION semi final redux on Thursday, so here’s that video.

EUROVISION Update – my ancestors are calling

In a surprise turnaround from dire reunification ballads about the Sovietization of the Linoleum factories, Latvia have sprung an honest to goodness, none more better, slab of EUROVISION madness upon us.

In the finest tradition of METAL madmen the world over (well, Germany) they’ve gone and plumped for Pirates Of The Sea singing, um, “Wolves Of The Sea”. Except, this lot of pirates seem specially designed to make Euro losers Scooch seem like right hard bastards. And as others have so rightly said, when was the last time you met a pirate who wasn’t “of the sea”. A bit like a “Bus Driver Of The Road”. The song itself could rank as one of the worst disco-lite EUROVISION ditties ever, challenging our very own Gemini!

However, their recent past was well to the fore, as the EUROVISION selection contest involved 20 songs being selected by Latvian TV, out of the 88 songs submitted. Their were then two semi-finals featuring ten songs, with five songs from each semi-final being selected by televote and a cabbage hurling contest, then the final consisted of two stages with the first stage eliminating seven songs by televote, followed by the remaining three songs competing in a Super Final. The last three were Aisha, Pirates Of The Sea and Andris Erglis who had to sing their songs, drink a bottle of vodka, and then weep about how their lives are ruined by the lack of Linoleum.

Now, Aisha may well have been the hot one;

But it was the nutters who got the nod –

A thousand years of rapists and pillagers are rising from their watery graves to hunt them down.

EUROVISION Update – Filthy FRENCH Capitulate

At last, at last! The filthy FRENCH have thrown their hands up in the air, exposing a rather revolting array of cheese covered pits, and admitted that we, HER MAJESTYS GREAT BRITISH PEOPLE were right all along.

Not since the war of wars – the great European conflict of 1793 – 1815, have the Filthy FRENCH been given such a complete and utter SPANKING. Unless you count that whole collaborating with the Nazis thing, but who am I to bring their craven behaviour up in a public forum.

Anyway, this years Filthy FRENCH yowling, masquerading as a song in the Greatest Competition On Earth – EUROVISION – is being performed by someone called Sebastien Tellier. So far, So Filthy FRENCH .

But it seems that the Gallic “electro pop star” will be performing his song ‘Divine”, complete with lyrics in, wait for it, English! Ha, I say, Ha!

Naturally, the unnaturally hirsute hordes of garlicmongers who pass themselves off as leaders of the Filthy FRENCH are up in arms. Again, enough already with the cheesy pits.

“When one has the honor of being selected to represent France, one sings in French,” said Alain Joyandet, the French government minister for cooperation and Francophony. And I didn’t make that title up.

“Be careful if you, the French, don’t defend the French language, for who will?” says Francois-Michel Gonnot of President Nicholas Sarkozy’s UMP party. Presumably, you would be expecting us to rescue you, AGAIN, Herr Gonnot.

“Up yours you Filthy FRENCH troglodytes” say the horny handed Sons of Albion, secure in the knowledge that, yet again, Filthy FRENCH capitulation is the order of the day.

The video is below, but I really wouldn’t.

DUSTY BIN beats Euro STRUMPETS

DUSTY BIN beats Euro STRUMPETS

So, it all went horribly wrong, unless you happen to be DUSTY BIN, the late, unlamented star of Sir Ted Rogers PSYCHEDELIC frenzy TV show from the last century, 3-2-1-0.

Not since Alois Schicklegruber rose from the grave to be reborn as the SOUL of Nu-Labour has there been such an unlikely comeback. DUSTY may be calling himself Andy Abraham these days, but he’s fooling no-one. And so it is that EUROVISION 2008 has been lost to us.

Even worse, there was a large array of STRUMPETS available to us this time around. Now nothing is guaranteed to get the over hirsute CONTINENTALS whapping out their carrier pigeons to send in their votes than an array of STRUMPETS. This time around we had the tarty chavs, LoveShy, the pretendy posh tarts The Revelations, the mouthy shrieker, her of Eastenders and the mad furriner Simona Armstrong.

If we were serious about taking back EUROVISION from the evil Slavs, we would have went with Andrew Lloyd Webster reject Simona. Fair enough, she would have been a dire Maria in the Sound of Music, but her insane wibblings are EUROVISION gold.

Even better she’s a furrin insane wibbler, straight from the CHEEKY GIRLS bowels of hell. It would have been a shoe-in. But no, the Great British Public let us down again, aided by the arch retard Wogan and the mad fright-wigged Carrie. Sir John Barrowman we will let off, as wimmin of a certain age admire him, and that is my natural hunting ground nowadays.

You can STEAL an mp3 of her shenaigans HERE!

Even worse, the Finns have decided they want their EUROVISION crown back, and have selected Teräsbetoni as their entry, a HEAVY METAL band influenced by bands such as Manowar (as we all should be), and whose music has a martial air to it, with lyrics glorifying a pagan warrior lifestyle and a “brotherhood of METAL”.

We’re DOOMED, I tell ye, DOOMED.

EUROVISION STRUMPET Video Link Below

Dirty Irish barrstarrds

It’s nearly that time of year when the single most important event in human history occurs. I am, of course, talking about EUROVISION.

Now, we invented EUROPE and we invented the TELEVISION. And don’t let the FRENCH or the COLONIALS try and tell you otherwise. And for many years the furriners showed their appreciation for giving them somewhere to live and something to do of an evening by giving us lots of points in EUROVISION. Until they let the dastardly Eastern Europeans come along to the party. There was a reason we let the COMMUNISTS have that part of the world, you know. ANd the sooner we string the ELECTRIC FENCE back up the better.

And now the IRISH have turned against it as well. Not content with killing and maiming thousands of HER MAJESTYS GREAT BRITISH subjects over the years, they’ve now gone and entered a turkey puppet into EUROVISION.

The dirty IRISH bastards. It’s no wonder DANA had a hissy fit.

Even worse, they didn’t select the hot lass who whipped her clothes off at the end of the song! Good, God, what kind of world do we live in when a semi naked hot chick gets beaten by a turkey. A world I want nothing to do with.

This weekend sees that obnoxious great gobshite TERRY WOGAN begin his annual humiliation of all that is great about EUROVISION with the televised selection of the BRITISH entry. A contest which is entirely filled with reality TV show cast offs and ex soap stars. And this, from a country that could count LULU, CLIFF RICHARD and OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN amongst the greats who warbled for QUEEN and country.

Hot Irish chick in the video below.