Death Disco 2009 – The Results Show

Well, you’ve waited long enough, so prepare yourself as I unveil, in order of appearance, the lineup for this years Death Disco.

And they were;

1. Krokus – Long Stick Goes Boom
2. April Wine – Weeping Widow
3. Sad Cafe – My Oh My
4. The Commodores vs. Lil’ Kim – Brick House
5. Trace Adkins – Honky Tonk Badonkadonk
6. Ted Nugent – Wang Dang Sweet Poontang
7. The Chi-Lites – Are You My Woman
8. Atomic Rooster – Stand By Me
9. Amon Amarth – Guardians Of Asgard
10. Tiamat – Brighter Than The Sun
11. Wet Willie – Baby Fat
12. Desmond Child – Love On A Rooftop
13. Motorhead – Hellraiser
14. Vinnie Vincent Invasion – Shoot U Full Of Love
15. Autograph – Turn Up The Radio
16. Angel – The Tower
17. The Meads Of Asphodel – Assault And Battery
18. Monster Magnet – Bummer
19. Hawkwind – Spirit Of The Age

And now, here are the same songs, in order of most downloads, the DD Charts.

1) Monster Magnet – Bummer
2) Ted Nugent – Wang Dang Sweet Poontang
3) Sad Cafe – My Oh My
4) Trace Adkins – Honky Tonk Badonkadonk
5) Tiamat – Brighter Than The Sun
6) Angel – The Tower
7) Krokus – Long Stick Goes Boom
=) Wet Willie – Baby Fat
9) Hawkwind – Spirit Of The Age
=) Vinnie Vincent Invasion – Shoot U Full Of Love
11) April Wine – Weeping Widow
= ) The Commodores vs. Lil’ Kim – Brick House
= ) Atomic Rooster – Stand By Me
14) Autograph – Turn Up The Radio
15) Motorhead – Hellraiser
16) The Meads Of Asphodel – Assault And Battery
17) Amon Amarth – Guardians Of Asgard
18) The Chi-Lites – Are You My Woman
19) Desmond Child – Love On A Rooftop

So what does this say about the readership here at GHMI? It says you’re a bunch of mucky beggars, and that I’m ashamed of you. Why? Because 2 of the top 3 had pictograms of nekkid ladies bits, and the third had the word poontang. Filthmongers, the lot of you. Should you wish an explanation of any of the clues, now that the bands and songs have been revealed, feel free to ask. But I might just call you an idiot, so it’s your call.

Thank you and goodnight.

Beyonces Ass Death Disco 2009 Part 7

Welcome back to Mr H’s Death Disco 2009

If you’re confused about what this entails, then take a look back at Part 1 for guidance. Otherwise, prepare yourself for the next track listed down below.

It’s Friday, which means it’s time for the any excuse for a picture of Beyonces ass section of the Death Disco. Even better, this tune is the best Temptations song they never recorded. Ever. So get on your dancing shoes and shimmy on out, it’s time to strut your funky stuff.

As before, a beautifully designed pictographical clue is down below somewhere to assist you in the identification of the delicate and fragrant artiste.

So without further ado, I present the seventh part of the 2009 Death Disco! Insert flares here, and click to download. Or you can play them all as they arrive in the Death Box over on the right hand side of your screen.

Pictogram representation somewhere below here.

Death Disco 2009 Part 4

Welcome back to Mr H’s Death Disco 2009

If you’re confused about what this entails, then take a look back at Part 1 for guidance. Otherwise, prepare yourself for the next track listed down below.

It’s the 50th birthday of Motown, so it seems appropriate to feature a cast iron Detroit classic. Mind you, I don’t think Berry Gordy envisaged it this way.

As before, a beautifully designed pictographical representation is down below somewhere to assist you in the identification of the band who originally recorded it..

So without further ado, I present the fourth part of the 2009 Death Disco! Insert fanfare here, and click to download. Or you can play them all as they arrive in the Death Box over on the right hand side of your screen.

Pictogram representation somewhere below here.

Scotchlands Area 51

Once upon a time, a top secret Government research laboratory was set up in darkest Scotchland – in the long lost Kingdom of Fife. Their mission was to go back in time and use the science of eugenics to see whether a new superbreed of human could be bred.

Obviously, Fife was chosen as the inhabitents had never moved past Homo floresiensis, and the scientists were keen to combine an ancient gene pool with more developed breeds. Having extracted DNA from a variant of Mitochondrial Eve, they were keen to mutate the two. However, word of their deviant antics had leaked, and a rogue element of the Catholic Church swooped in one night, planting explosives and destroying the laboratory.

However, despite the exclusion zone around the lab, a group of geography teachers were camping nearby having got lost on an outward bound field trip. Suddenly, the night sky lit up, and they were showered with microscopic traces of the extracted DNA. At the time, they felt nothing, but as the months wore on, they developed strange behaviour patterns, something they desperately tried to conceal.

But then one day, they each woke up, looked in the mirror and screamed! Rushing to a pre-determined meeting point, they arrived to discover that they had become the Average White Band. The first and only Scotchmen with funk.

Despite their best efforts to conceal this, the funk would out, and soon they found themselves feted across the world. But the Government eventually realised what had happened, and sent out a crack team to hunt them down, and return them to the rebuilt laboratory.

They ran for years, dropping bombs of funk wherever they could, but slowly they were picked off one by one. I last saw them over a decade ago, at a secret gathering in the Queens Hall in Embra, where Scotchmen with funk unfurled their fros and partied hard.

Rumour has it, if you head North West from Ullapool and sail to the furthest island on a moonless night, you will hear the faint echoes of the Scotch funk in the mist. But for now, sit back and enjoy.

The Message feat Ben E King
Your Love Is A Miracle

Get a best of here.

Scotch funk video below.

The Vinyl Countdown

After the success of a couple of weeks back, I decided to delve deeper into the vinyl cupboard. Sadly, this visit brought some very mixed results.

Cerrone – Love In C Minor – inexplicably popular seventies French DJ. The words French and DJ should have been warning enough. People too scared to watch porn probably bought it for the heavy breathing.

Curved Air – Back Street Luv – I can only assume that in 1972 hairy blokes were so desperate for poontang that they would buy this awful, leaden, pub prog, on the hope that the chick singer would take them backstage, despite her actually being a bloke. Have reformed for no discernible reason. Listen.

Da Lench Mob – Freedom Got An A.K – yes, some hippity hop from Ice Cube proteges who seem to think that shooting white people is A Good Idea. I have to disagree, unless they’ve still got an A.K. Same sample as ‘Jump Around’ by House Of Pain, which is a million times better, so listen to that instead, despite my antipathy to the murdering micks. Listen.

Dani Ali / Annabel Lamb – Talk To Me – yup, the Theme from Damon & Debbie, the godawful Brookside spin off which thankfully died very quickly. Clever marketing ploy has fake Damon and Debbies singing the same tune, but that fails to polish AOR turd.

Willie Cobbs – CC Rider – Praise be for some good old fashioned harmonica blooze.

Dandy Warhols – Gett Off – pointless, dull indie on appropriately shit coloured vinyl.

Chi-Lites – You Don’t Have To Go – back to the good stuff with Eugene Record and his boys giving us some mighty seventies soul. Listen.

Mac Davis – Baby, Don’t Get Hooked On Me – country songwriters shows why other people had hits with his songs – wrote ‘In The Ghetto’ fact fans. Once sang this song on the Muppet Show with Miss Piggy. Now, that’s fame! Listen.

Chicory Tip – Good Grief Christina – good grief, they had more than one record. video free video version right below.

Deep Purple – Smoke On The Water – RAWK! And you all know that, so here is the lesser known Six Feet Under version. Listen.

Chic – I Want Your Love – the one that wasn’t as good as ‘Good Times’ or ‘Le Freak’.

Gun – Welcome To The Real World – Scotch plod rockers who managed to have proper hit single and albums before returning to vocational waitering. Listen.

Tina Charles – Fire Down Below – sadly, not the Bob Seger / Bette Midler tune. No, it’s the evil Biddu and his tune from seventies soft porner “The Stud”. Smashed. Scarily, Annabel Lamb from Damon & Debbie has been employed by Ms Charles and hat a hit all of our own.

Merle Haggard – I’m Always On A Mountain When I Fall – Hag thinks prison preferable to being on this list. Listen.

Chanson – I Can Tell – textbook example of how acorns CAN fall far from the tree, as this awful orchestrated disco number was written and produced by James Jamerson Jr, son of the legendary Funk Brother.

Jagged Edge – Hell Ain’t A Long Way – more leaden British so called rawk from so called next big things. Title makes no sense, and recording live B sides at the Woughton centre, Milton Keynes should make you realise that you are not Next Big Thing. Sleeve, somewhere in the right hand side column confirms not Next Big Thing.

Bonus Six Feet Under kover. Wooooaaaaaaaarrgggghhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Bonus Peggy Lee track from Otis Redding Post. Cool.

That Annabel Lamb hit. Don’t blame me, blame the eighties.

I’ve had nothing to live for

I was watching a BBC documentary on Stax Records recently. Despite me having donated a rare record to the Stax Museum, they failed to pay me due R.E.S.P.E.C.T. again. However, it did send me scurrying away into the depths of the old record collection to see how many versions of “(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay” I had lying around. And the answer is. A lot. About half of whom are presented here.

‘Cause I’ve had nothing to live for
And look like nothin’s gonna come my way

So said Otis Redding in his posthumously written hit, “(Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay”. But he would say that, what with being dead at the time. But props to Steve Cropper for getting the old ouija board out for a number one single.

Since then, lots of people have had a pop at it including legends Aaron Neville and Al Jarreau. Aaron gives it his usual New Orleans whump up the ass with a fonky take, while the godlike Mr Jarreau goes all “mmm, nice” which makes me yearn for the days when his dulcet tones could be heard every week crooning the theme tune to the classic eighties telly program “Moonlighting”.

Some walk by night
Some fly by day
Nothing could change you
Set and sure of the way
Charming and bright
Laughing and gay

Not many people realise that away from his scene stealing role in “Blazing Saddles”, when he punches out a horse, Ramón “Mongo” Santamaría was a legendary, repeat legendary Cuban percussionist who als had a bash. And rather splendid it is too, in finest seventies porn stylee. And while we’re giving it some Latin, let’s have a listen to that craziest of things, a Japanese boss nova singer. Yup, you read that right. Go Lisa Ono.

What with all that Latin rhythm, there’s only one place to go, and that’s off to Italin jazz band Doctor 3, who render it almost unrecognisable. Which is the whole point of jazz. A bunch of people who don’t know the tune, all trying to get there simultaneously from differnt directions.

Which only leaves time for the greatest version of the song. Ever. And you should know what’s coming. Yes, it’s time for tranny hooker (pictured above) shagger and all round baldster, Sir Michael Bolton. Oh, yes. How the ladies will be sniffing round your burgeoning nether regions if you let them get a whiff of this. Fan-bloody-tastic.

Oh, and here’s the original.

Play your cards right and Part 2 could include the likes of Sammy Hagar, Tom Jones, Peggy Lee and Pearl Jam. You’ve been warned!

Buy the cheapie but goodie Otis best of here.

It’s Just Wrong, DAMMIT – Kerrazy Kover Korner

Now I like SOUL music – my childhood ambition was to be one of THE TEMPTATIONS, after all (and I still leave my number at the box office whenever they come to town – just in case). And I like the BLOOZE. If the BLOOZE comes with a portion of RAWK, so much the better, hence why FREE are so beloved round my way.

But, what on earth would possess SOUL legend Mr Wilson Pickett to record a cover version of ‘Fire And Water’, the legendary FREE track. With a brass band. It’s so wrong it hurts. If you don’t believe me, STEAL a copy around about HERE.

Then click on the play button somewhere down below and listen to FREE do it properly.

Mind you, that should not stop you nipping off to Amazon, where you can get a fantastic 16 track best of from Mr Pickett for UNDER £3! That’s worse than piracy, so do it quick. Of course, you already have “Fire And Water” by FREE, so you won’t need to buy one here for under a fiver. And if you don’t, you’re BARRED. Get tae fug, NOW! Bandits.