Welcome back to Girls Aloud week, where we’re we’ll be delving into the real truth behind the wildly successful girl group, the one unrevealed in their official ‘autobiography’ “A Thing Of Unspeakable Horror”.
This final installment looks at the true talent behind Girls Aloud – the divine Nicola Roberts.
Nicola Maria Roberts was born on the 5 October 1985, the daughter of former English football hardman, Graham Roberts.
The divine Nicola was originally eliminated before the final stage, after the other girls said she was “too hot” and could “sing better than us”. But jealousy was put to one side another contestant, Nicola Ward, pulled out of the show after objecting to the show’s contract.
The luscious Roberts once said that she considered turning to alcohol and drugs to cope with her insecurities, but sadly my van broke down on the M1, laden down with Bucky and some temazepam. By the time I arrived, she had changed her mind.
Fat ugly bastard shitebag, so-called DJ, lardass Chris Moyles once attacked her verbally, as he’s too hit scared to have it large in person (unless it’s a lardburgher). Roberts responded to his attacks, saying: “I can’t stand him [Chris Moyles]. It’s no surprise I look miserable with him on my case.” She then went onto say: “And he’s such a good-looking bloke himself, isn’t he?” She continued, “enough’s enough, Chris. Shut the fuck up. This argument doesn’t bother me any more. I’ve grown out of it, it’s six years old. His obsession with me needs to stop.”
I’m happy to kick his arse anytime and provide any other service Nicola deems appropriate. Can travel and have own bottle of oil.
Todays treat is a live version of the not heard very often ‘Graffiti My Soul‘.
The best of album is up for grabs right now for under three quid! That’s cheaper than a Leith gobble. Get it here.
Welcome back to Girls Aloud week, where we’re we’ll be delving into the real truth behind the wildly successful girl group, the one unrevealed in their official ‘autobiography’ “A Thing Of Unspeakable Horror”.
This installment looks at Nadine Carson Aloud.
Frances Nadine Coyle Carson Aloud was born 15 June 1985 in Dahrry, Noirthern Oireland to Lillian and Francis ‘Frank’ Carson. She has two sisters, Francene and Frankee.
She first came to fame in 2001 when she entered the Irish version of the talent show The Comedians. As one of the winners of the show, Coyle was selected to become a member of the comedy troupe Six. Shortly after the group was formed, the members moved into a house together and all were interviewed on camera.
However, she had lied about here age and, despite her repertoire of Irish jokes learned at her fathers knee, she was booted out before Six’s first single, “Whole Lot Of Potatoes”, went on to become the fastest-selling single in Irish history.
Away from Girls Aloud, her claims to fame involve being cheated on by a topless gardener, contracting shingles, and being voted the USAs 238th least annoying celebrity of 2007.
Todays treat is a live version of the classic ‘Call The Shots‘.
The best of album is up for grabs right now for under three quid! That’s cheaper than a Leith gobble. Get it here.
Welcome back to Girls Aloud week, where we’re we’ll be delving into the real truth behind the wildly successful girl group, the one unrevealed in their official ‘autobiography’ “A Thing Of Unspeakable Horror”.
This installment looks at Hermaphrodite Girls Aloud.
Hermaphrodite was born Samuel Harding, to parents Mike and Sarah in 1871, making Hermaphrodite old enough to be Nicola’s Mum. Dad Mike was a folk singer in the seventies best known for his hit “The Rochdale Cowboy”.
After an unpleasant time at school, where his gender confusion was not welcome, Samuel started dressing as a girl, working in promotions at such legendary venues as The Grand Central Leisure Park in Stockport and did a regular drag turn at the Whistling Jig and Puss and Boots pubs.
After saving enough money for a cut rate operation in Brazil, the newly born Hermaphrodite returned to the UK and entered FHM’s High Street Honeys in 2002, appearing in the first Top 100. However, her rise to fame in the pop world had already commenced on Pop Stars: The Divvies, and she withdrew her entry.
When her background was discovered Harding was offered a place in the boyband One True Voice, but the producers succumbed to popular pressure and kicked off the publics favourite (unless your name is Jamelia), Javine Hylton.
Todays treat is a live version of the classic ‘Biology‘.
The best of album is up for grabs right now for under three quid! That’s cheaper than a Leith gobble. Get it here.
Welcome back to Girls Aloud week, where we’re we’ll be delving into the real truth behind the wildly successful girl group, the one unrevealed in their official ‘autobiography’ “A Thing Of Unspeakable Horror”.
This installment looks at Jade Goody Aloud.
Jade Kimberley Walsh Cerisa Lorraine Goody is a Z-list British television celebrity who came into the spotlight after appearing on the Channel 4 reality show Big Brother in 2002; an appearance which led to her being headhunted for new girl band Girls Aloud.
She was, however, no stranger when it came to attempting to achieve fame. As a s child, she appeared in an advert as a child along with sister Jennifer in a George for ASDA advert. She was in the West End production of Les Misérables and appeared as one of the Three Little Pigs in pantomime. She had earlier auditioned for the role of Maria Sutherland in the soap opera Coronation Street, but was deemed “too porcine”.
In January 2007, she was a housemate in Celebrity Big Brother. During the show she was accused of racialist bullying against dead comedian Bernard Manning, whom she called a “fat cankerous oaf”. She was evicted from the show, largely for using the word cankerous, a word none of the viewers understood.
Most recently she appeared on the X-Factor before being voted off by Mardy Aloud, and has latterly appeared on an advert for the bankrupt country and frozen food shop, Iceland, alongside Jason Donovan and the fat lass from the Nolans.
Todays treat is a live version of the classic ‘Love Machine‘.
The best of album is up for grabs right now for under three quid! That’s cheaper than a Leith gobble. Get it here.
Welcome back to Girls Aloud week, where we’re we’ll be delving into the real truth behind the wildly successful girl group, the one unrevealed in their official ‘autobiography’ “A Thing Of Unspeakable Horror”.
This installment looks at Mardy Aloud.
Mardy Aloud was born Mardy Tweedy in way-aye-the-lads Newcastle-upon-Tyne. She is one of five children – one younger brother, Keego, and two half-brothers – Shearer and Gazza, and one half-sister Mardyiana.
A child prodigy, Mardy won many shoplifting competitions, including Boots Group’s bonniest lifta, Mothercare Happy Faces nicka, Best Looking Police Lineup Girl of Newcastle, The Evening Chronicle ‘Little Miss Fagin’ and Most Attractive Girl at the Young Offenders Institute. She also appeared in an Eldon Square Christmas anti-robba advert with younger brother Garry.
Mardy auditioned for Popstars: The Rivals in 2002, singing S Club 7’s “Have You Ever”, joining Jade, Hermaphrodite, Frank Carson and Nicola. Known to GA fans as “the one that wouldn’t recognise a tune if she fell over one”, she is the least vocally blessed of them all. However, with her range of acting skills*, she is an asset in videos and on stage.
In 2003 Mardy was involved in an altercation with a nightclub toilet attendant, Sophie Amogbokpa, in “The Drink” nightclub in Guildford. She was charged with racially aggravated assault (she had allegedly called Amogbokpa a “jigaboo” and assault occasioning actual bodily harm. During her trial Cheryl claimed she acted in self defence (claiming she had been punched first) and denied using racially abusive language. The jury found her guilty of assault occasioning actual bodily harm, but cleared her of racially aggravated assault.
To prove her innocence, in July 2006, Mardy married well known whapitaboot and sometime footballer Ashley Cole. Hertfordshire. Nowadays she bursts into tears, randomly, on reality pig-baiting contest, the X-Factor
*her two skills are “the raised eyebrow” and “the hand over mouth”, as if she has just been poked in the behind by a pointed stick.
Todays treat is a live version of the album track ‘Waiting‘.
The best of album is up for grabs right now for under three quid! That’s cheaper than a Leith gobble. Get it here.
Yes, it’s a New Year, unless you’re somewhere peculiar like China, Islamabad or Linlithgow, in which case you have my deepest sympathy. However, here at GHMI, it’s definitely a New Year, and one in which we’ve decided to be upbeat, chipper and dayglo, to make up for the bloody awful 2008 that has just passed.
So, you’ll be delighted to know that the first order of business this year is Girls Aloud week. Yup, we’ll be delving into the real truth, the one unrevealed in their official ‘autobiography’ “A Thing Of Unspeakable Horror”. The next five installments of GHMI will focus on each member of Girls Aloud – Mardy, Jade, Hermaphrodite, Frank Carson and Nicola – bringing you actual facts, not internet ones, along with top notch music, which has been likened by none other than that bloke off the radio as “not as bad as you might think”, and in the Enemee as “what we really like but we’re too busy sucking at Lily Allens teat / gobbling Pete Doherty (delete as applicable) to admit to it”.
To get you all hot and bothered, we’re starting things off with a version of the classic ‘Something Kinda Ooh‘, you know the one that goes “Something kinda ooh, Bumping in the back room, Something ’side of me, Wanting what you do oo-ooh”. That one.
The best of album is up for grabs right now for under three quid! That’s cheaper than a Leith gobble. Get it here.
