We Wish You A Merry Gothmas!

We Wish You A Merry Gothmas!

They’re strange folks over in Finland. All that suicide, 24 hour long days, then 24 long hour nights, it’s no wonder they all end up going stark raving mad. At least some of the nutters put their madness to good use and end up forming metal and / or goth bands.

Which brings us to the Elven Queen, Tarja Turunen. Formerly of goth-metallers Nightwish, and now a solo artist, she gives every indication of being a bona fide mentalist. Which is how it should be, and why she has long been high on my list of aliens I’d like to be abducted by.

She’s no stranger to the world of Christmas either, despite the Finns all being troll worshipping heathens. And 2009 sees her joining in with three numbers on the catchily titled album “Maailman Kauneimmat Joululaulut”, which I think is Finnish for “We Tried To Deliver Your Parcel But You Were Out”.

She sings, [koff], ‘Maa On Niin Kaunis’, ‘Arkihuolesi Kaikki Heita’ and ‘Heinilla Harkien’. That’s ‘Batteries Not Included’, ‘Auntie Kate’s Pissed Again’ and ‘I’m Choking On A Sixpence’, for non-Finnish readers. And your goth mentalist treat is going to be the full elven choir effect of;

MP3 one – Tarja Turunen – ‘I’m Choking On A Sixpence’

You can’t get it from Amazon, so you’ll need to visit some crazy assed Finnish mail order firm, and try to persuade them to accept money instead of your first born child. Good luck.

That crazy assed tracklist in full;

Tracklist:

1. Maria Lund: Hiljaa, hiljaa
2. Jari Sillanpää: Jouluyö, juhlayö
3. Irina: Sydämeeni joulun teen
4. Veeti Kallio: Kuului laulu enkelten
5. Tarja Turunen: Maa on niin kaunis
6. Mikko Kuustonen: En etsi valtaa loistoa
7. Maria Lund & Jari Sillanpää: Sylvian joululaulu
8. Irina: Varpunen jouluaamuna
9. Mikko Kuustonen: Joulun rauhaa
10. Tarja Turunen & Veeti Kallio: Arkihuolesi kaikki heitä
11. Maria Lund: Kun maas on hanki
12. Jari Sillanpää: Marian poika
13. Tarja Turunen: Heinillä härkien
14. Veeti Kallio: On hanget korkeat
15. Irina & Mikko Kuustonen: Hiljaisin Helsinki

None More Black Death Disco 2009 Part 10

None More Black Death Disco 2009 Part 10

Welcome back to Mr H’s Death Disco 2009

If you’re confused about what this entails, then take a look back at Part 1 for guidance. Otherwise, prepare yourself for the next track listed down below.

Goth girls are easy. So said electrogothsters Lesbian Bed Death, and who am I to disagree. After all, if it wasn’t for goth girls and their easiness, my teen years would have been considerably more explosive. Which is why I used to hang arond La Sorbonne after dark of a weekend, suffering through the likes of Southern Death Cult, The Sisterhood and Nico playing live. Although whether Nico counted as alive is open to debate. However, even after all these decades I still have a certain fondness for the music, if not the craven, identikit wasters who call themselves goths.

As before, a beautifully designed pictographical clue is down below somewhere to assist you in the identification of the delicate and fragrant artiste.

So without further ado, I present the latest part of the 2009 Death Disco! Apply foundation here, and click to download. Or you can play them all as they arrive in the Death Box over on the right hand side of your screen.

Pictogram representation somewhere below here.

Go here for Goth Girl Of The Week – yes, really.

Lords Of The Dance

When I were a lad, we’d often spend the early part of the night (pre midnight) hanging around a dodgy pub / club called La Sorbonne, before that 4am bottle of dark Furstenburg in Sneeky Petes. We didn’t know it at the time, but it was a goth pub. Except goth hadn’t been formally invented.

However, we’d sup at the front, then stagger through the back to see the likes of Southern Death Cult (never guessing that the pasty faced wee boy fronting them would grow up to be Native American Shaman, Ian Astbury), The Sisterhood, Nico and, my favourites, Lords Of The New Church. Formed by ex Damned guitarist Brian James and featuring 100% nutter Stiv Bators on vocals, they were a genuinely dangerous proposition, as you never knew what the hell they would get up to.

Apart from shooting up and banging skinny girls, that is.

They were destined never to make it, despite some brilliant records. However, thanks to the power of the internet you can now rejoice in;

1. Russian Roulette
2. Method To My Madness
and
3. their killer version of Like A Virgin

You can get all the Lords you’ll ever need, for under a fiver,here.

Madness video below, where the late Stiv enjoins ECT viewers to take coke instead of smack, cos it’s cheaper. Proper telly in them days.

The Great GOTH War

Master!

…………………………….Apprentice!

………………………………………………..Heartborne, 7th Seeker

……………..Warrior!

………Disciple!

In me the Wishmaster

So where were you in the great GOTH wars? Whadda ya mean what GOTH wars? I refer, of course to the NIGHTWISH v TARJA WAR of 2005 when the beastlord TUOMAS rose up with his minions to overthrow his rightful Empress, the one true TARJA.

Now, I’ll admit I was 100% on the side of TARJA from the beginning, not only because she is a crazy DIVA, which is exactly what you want from a GOTHstress, despite what the evil TUOMAS say. But, and I cannot emphasise this enough, she is also the hottest ALIEN ever to rise up for the Lost World of Agharti.

However, I was willing to let time decide the ultimate VICTOR in the GOTH wars, and now that both have released new albums it’s time to find out who rules the world of GOTH! “My Winter Storm” by TARJA came out first in a welter of special editions and was a mixed bag of the good, the great and the garbage (hello, ALICE COOPERs ‘Poison’). But “I Walk Alone”, “Damned and Divine”, “Lost Northern Star” and “The Reign” can hold their heads high amongst the operatic ones best.

Meanwhile, NIGHTWISH turned away from the Lost World of Agharti, instead heading to the EVIL ELVEN kingdoms to recruit former Alyson Avenue frontwoman Anette Olzon.

“Dark Passion Play” saw 175 additional musicians being brought in for what was, sadly, a rather generic METAL release, shorn of the mystery and wonder of TARJA. The EVIL ELF Anette was no match for the wonders of what had gone before, with a good, if expressionless mainstream rock voice. It’s a solid album, but shorn of the ALIEN wonder that had made NIGHTWISH special.

So, really, there was no winner. Much like the Osztrák–Magyar Monarchia, NIGHTWISH sans TARJA leaves us with two beleaguered nations, beaten, battered and bruised. Destined to remain in thrall to the might of years gone by. Until the reunion tour of 2012!

You can LISTEN to Tarja perform Damned Vampires And Gothic Divine here.
You can LISTEN to Nightwish minus Tarja Bye Bye Beautiful here.
You can LISTEN to Nightwish with Tarja Wishmaster here.

Special BONUS LISTEN – Tarja performs Ave Maria

You can STEAL Damned Vampires And Gothic Divine mp3HERE!
You can STEAL Bye Bye Beautiful mp3HERE!
You can STEAL Wishmaster mp3HERE!

You can buy the best of Nightwish here.
You can buy Tarjas album here.
You can get the post Tarja Nightwish here here.

Watch Tarja below

Skinny Ass GOTH chick photo supplement

Skinny Ass GOTH chick photo supplement, especially for Gilbert Wham Esq, of this parish.

Crazy Ass GOTH Chicks

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all in favour of crazy ass GOTH chicks. I’ve had some very pleasurable minutes spent in their company. If you’re one of those people who like it a bit freaky, then I heartily recommend you trying one out. But there are a couple of provisos.

1) Avoid crazy ass fat GOTH chicks. I made that mistake once, many years ago, and still wake up screaming every few months.

b) Don’t let crazy ass GOTH chicks sing. It’s just wrong. The make believe pretendy crazy ass GOTH chicks are fine. The Evanescencescesces of this world are bearable. They’re not real crazy ass GOTH chicks, just chubsters who want to be pop stars. And as such, they are likely to put out more often than not. Low self esteem, cheaper than rohypnol and just as effective.

But the real nutters are beyond the pale. Well, not actually beyond the pale, they’re extremely pale. That’s one of the ways you can tell they’re GOTHs. But what comes out of their mouths is something you will regret hearing for the rest of your days.

So it with no little pleasure that I present to you in groundbreaking video format, the Queen of crazy ass GOTH chicks, Diamanda Galas.

Mere words cannot describe the sheer frightfulness of La Galas in full flight. It’s nearly as bad as when her brother William broke down in tears after playing football for Arsenal last week. Shocking.

Come back in a few days when I shall be ruminating over Her Majestys Great British Eurovision entry, which will be decided this very night. And it’s guaranteed GOTH free!

You can also STEAL the video HERE!