Things That Should Not Be

Ozzy Osbourne
Prince Of Darkness, my arse. For sure, I saw hom live loads of times, but I was the second most wasted person there after him, my enjoyment may have been enhanced to a point where a drunk going “woo” for an hour and a half seemed like a good idea. It wasn’t. Ozzy sucks.

Type O Negative
Piss taking goth metallers who only become briefly famous due to mainman Pete Steele getting his cock out for Playgirl magazine. Note: getting your cock out and letting people take pictures of it makes you a, um, cock. You cock.

60s Status Quo
Now the Quo may have become the Kings Ov Boogie in the seventies, but in their preening, peacock finery, they were absolutely lamentable. At least they learned error of ways, fired the ugliest one, and briefly ruled the world.

I Have An Idea
Let’s take that mentally ill fella who used to wail like a distressed gnu and get a bunch of open air cock wielders to back him on a cover of the paisley patterned sixties Quo. This is a thing that should not be.

The brave and the foolish may click here.

Don’t blame me. You were warned.

END ov DAZE

END ov DAZE

And lo it was foretold in the BOOK ov HEAVY METAL that the APOCALYPSE would rain down upon the heads of MORTAL MAN.

In the two score years afore the advent ov the APOCALYPSE, an unholy union would arise betwixt the RITCHIE ov BLACKMORE and the JOEY ov TEMPEST, and their fleet fingered, poodle haired PROGENY would be the bringer ov the APOCALYPSE.

And his name would be unspeakable to the mouths of men, and his widdle would rain across the lands ov men, and his name would be YNGWIE MALMSTEEN.

And his curse would be to lay with the Isthmian League Division One North singers ov ROCK, for there would be no laying with the COVERDALE, with the HUGHES, with the DIO. He would henceforth be cursed to lay with the JEFF SCOTT SOTO, the MARK BOALS, the JORN LANDE.

But then one day the HEAVENS shuddered, and the DAEMONS rejoiced, for their time was at hand. For the DAEMON known as MALMSTEEN cleaved unto him the one known as Tim “RIPPER” Owens, an Eagle Bitter United Counties League Premier Division singer of ill repute.

And the DAEMONS laughed, and the ANGELS wept, for the time of the APOCALYPSE was at hand. For the MALMSTEEN had attained his goal. For he had copulated once before with the RIPPER, and his time was at hand. There were no more singers left unstained by his hand, no DOOGIE WHITES left to soil, he had begun the circle anew..

And the world wept.

Upu can LISTEN to the song here.

You can STEAL the mp3HERE!

You can buy the Ozzy tribute album that spawned it here.